An Honest Critique:
I sit here watching “Tales of Mere Existence” on youtube, when I have the moment of inspiration that leads to the essay. The subject is advice about art, which is “just do.” Fuck the world and do what you want, whether it has a grandiose message that speaks to man’s deepest inner turmoil, or a piece of shit that you whipped up in 5 minutes. This message really spoke to me, for a variety of reasons.
The amount of unfinished projects I have can at least one barn, or several trash cans, or any number of other storage containers, however you want to imagine it. Be it half finished concept art for two comics, drum books I glean one thing from then leave to gather dust in the basement, almost inhabitable fantasy worlds that I crafted, or the sheets of paper filled with lyrics that kind of go somewhere, I have a lot of unfinished stuff. Either that or there is a good idea that “will totally happen” but never does, because it never gets started. There are a variety of reasons for this.
First is the total and paralyzing fear of failure. I’ve tried to think of where this comes from, and I think I’ve come up with a few reasons. From the time I was young, I’ve been able to pick things up easily. The note my grandfather sends me almost every year of things I could when I was 2 verifies this. The issue with this is most everything seemed to come easy. When everything seems to come easy, there is a certain set of expectations that accompany it. One of these is that you’re so smart that most things will continue to come easily to you. If you struggle with something that means you’ve failed to live up to these expectations of being great and picking everything up easily. I know this is bullshit and working towards a goal and accomplishing that can be far more rewarding than just instantly with little effort. But there is that part in the back of my head that believes if I’m struggling with something, it means that I’m not good enough to get it, so why bother?
It’s especially difficult with drums. It’s one thing to go through these doubts in your mind, but it’s another when everyone can hear you failing. I’m a good drummer, but I could be better. I know if I put in the time, great things await me, as I feel I have barely began to scratch the surface of drummer-dum. At the same time, there is that fear that if people hear me struggling with something I’m supposed to be good at, they will think “We’ll he’s just not good.” These are all internal things of course, none of these fears will play out like I think they do, and if they do why should I care?
But there’s something about being able to grasp things easily that sort of spoils you and kind of ruins you. I have this almost arrogant notion that I can grasp ideas with minimal amount of work. It’s not quite that bad, but I know if I put some time in I’ll get it. Not as much as everyone else though, because remember, I’m smart. I get used to this though, and instead of using this ability to do something wonderful I get lazy.
Conversely, my sister always had a harder time with school than I did. She preserved and worked through her issues and did well in school. It also instilled in her a pretty good work ethic. She has her life in order much more than I do, knowing what she wants to do and where she’s going, while I’m lost in a ‘where is my life heading? funk’ I am incredibly proud of her, as well as kind of jealous.
The second is, ironically, fear of success. I remember a few months ago, when the prospect of me getting a girlfriend seemed like a real thing. I worried about how my lifestyle would change, even though I felt I was ready for a relationship. I thought to myself “well will I still have time to do ______?” or, and this one really makes me feel like a terrible person, “If I get a girlfriend what will I complain about?” I know that a real shitty attitude and I felt terribly just typing it, but we’re being honest here and that thought did cross my mind. It’s an identity thing, I’ve set myself up as a love-loran, down on his luck kind of guy. If I suddenly succeeded that all changes. It’s the same with everything else, if I succeed then everything changes. I could move on to the next challenge but I’m kind of comfortable in my rut. The realization I’m coming to is that I really just don’t like change.
The third thing is I like starting things; check the amount of new games I’ve started in Skyrim. There’s an energy, excitement, and just good feeling about starting something new. It’s an endless sea of possibilities of were this could go. Of course once I make the first decision I feel locked into a path, despite the fact that that’s not true, just the way my brain works. Unlike most people, I get less excited the further along it goes. It goes from that open feeling of experimentation to trudging towards a goal so I can start something new. Of course since there are no implications to any of these projects, I don’t finish them and start something new. Mostly so I can get that excitement back. Thus leading to the pile of kind of finished stuff lying around.
I always vow I will get back to them, but once you leave the headspace you started in it’s hard. I can occasionally channel it, which is great, but more often than not that doesn’t happen. This is the point where real artists buckle down, argue with inspiration, and make something work. Me, I start something new because it’s fresh and exciting and has a spark that I perceive the previous project no longer has. The previous project is closer to that “pay off/reward” stage, but my brain doesn’t seem to care about that. It’s kind of frustrating, which is one of the reasons why I’m writing this.
I’m not trying to be funny or insightful by writing this, I’m just trying to be honest. Hopefully someone will read this and say, “hey he makes some good points” even if it’s just me. I guess by getting all of this out in the open, in writing, and in a place where people can see it, I’m calling myself out. Now it’s time to shit or get off the pot. It’s time to do.
